15.2.2018

A new rejection letter after another.

Makes me wonder if I’m really a wonder.

I’m not as naive as I once was.

But how do I wish I’d stayed like that.

Bright eyed, Miss Smiles.

filled with all those dream-like lies.

I keep on writing though,

even if everyone seems to do it better

‘Cause I’m nothing without my words

yet my words mean nothing to them

Who’s them, the people?

Oh yes, the people, the ones I love.

They say I’m too young to understand what I write,

Yet how can I write what I don’t understand?

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25.4.2018

I fear it’s closing in. The darkness has me bound within its territories, confined in its grounds. Unable to reach nor see that shimmering light they spoke of. It appears to be a myth, one that seems to belongs only to the elders and the youngsters who’d sit by the campfire and listen to the magical nonsense.

May 18th 2018

Dear stranger,

I’m sorry if this is the first time you’ve seen me, it’s not the best of impressions if I’m honest.

Dressed all in black, messy hair barely contained in a braid and dark circles under my eyes for every minute of sleep I didn’t use.
I probably don’t smell so good either, haven’t washed this shirt in ages it seems. I brushed my teeth tho, I hate when people talk to me with bad breath so it’s only fair.

Yeah, I’m sorry you have to see me like this, you’re probably thinking all kinds of shit about me right now but I swear it’s just one of the bad days.

All my love,
a stranger as well.

With Or Without You.

16/10/2018

Dear Self,

How come a song about a toxic love is the one you choose for this blog entry, it’s weird isn’t it? Well I don’t really know, but I can bet my money it’s because you’re going back there.

It’s almost like gravity; you want to fly, touch the moon and stars, maybe even fall in love with a burning sun, yet an imaginary magnetic string pulls you back every time you think you’re free.

Sometimes you almost forget it’s there, holding you back from the light. You think you could sneak past it, deceive or maybe distract it with a juicy bone like you often do with Leo.

Leo, he’s the dog you rescued from the merciless streets, or perhaps he’s the one who saved you the first time you tried to escape your bonds.

Don’t play dumb with me. I know you remember, your eyes rarely felt as alive since that day. You made a plan, a brilliant one, or so it felt back then.

You had plenty of those yellow and blue pills, the ones the doctors said would help you think less, sleep more, and finally be a little bit happier. They never promised you’d be as quirky as you were before, they couldn’t take the lie too far because they knew you’ll never even scratch the surface of happiness once more.

Now, those pills, a perfect idea. No school, she’s at work and he’s never there anymore so you never even bothered checking if he was.

You don’t know where your best friend is, you doubt she’s home although it’s all possible she could be. You don’t recall what her schedule looks like anymore, why would you? You haven’t seen her in weeks and the last time you talked on the phone was a while ago.

Texting? Oh, I know you do reply every once in a while, sometimes with an “I’m okay”, an “I’m sorry I’m not here as much” or a “I hope you’re doing better than I am.”

You lie, it’s kinda how funny it is that you still think she buys that silly act of yours.

Yes, I know you really meant the last one, but what about the others? You’re not fine, and you’re not remotely close to feeling sorry and I know why.

You’re tired; tired of fighting and tired of pretending to fight. I don’t know how to help you anymore.

Love,

tangerine.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

30/10/2018

Dear Host,

You couldn’t even finish your damn words. What a waste of space you are!

You thought you could stop me from coming back? You do know I never leave, right? I stay in your head, lurking in the back, waiting till no one’s around and till I know you don’t have the guts to fight me.

It’s your fault, you know. You’re a failure, a disgrace. You say you can’t live with me?

Huh?

Well, that’s tough, sweetheart, because you can’t live without me either. I’ve made sure of it.

yours forever,

the hollow void.

30.10.2018

I wanna end it today.

The air is too thick to breathe through my nostrils and the oxygen barely makes it to my excuse of lungs.

It hurts to be alive today.

I tried doing the things I’ve loved, talk to the ones I love, but my mum doesn’t understand and she says I shouldn’t take myself too seriously.

I want to talk to him today.

I sent a thousand tweets hoping he’d notice me again. He didn’t. Some of my mutuals did; she called me a cutie and said she loved my smile. I told her I don’t believe that but that I’ll take it anyways.

I have so much work today.

I have to finish papers for my TA job and somehow find a way to fix my laptop because otherwise I can’t write articles for the magazine.

What do I wanna do today?

Well, I just wanna write the damn reflection for the guys I see on the Saturday. I don’t have time. Someone just sent me a message, asking about the Economics homework.

Crap, I forgot about that.

Guess I should go.

Please make it through today.

Ocean Child.

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She was the ocean’s child.

Yoko, they called her.

Pale as a haunting ghost,

and eyes as black as a miner’s coal,

nothing that screams out

the beauty that her name incites.

And yet the ocean’s child

caught the eyes of the boy from Liverpool,

who’d never loved anyone quite as cool,

not even the blue-eyed beauty in his bed.

He left the girl with the ocean eyes

for the girl called ocean child,

and what a shame that was for the poor boy’s child.

Inspired by John Lennon, Yoko Ono and Cynthia Lennon.

12 Angry Men: A Film Review

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Watching this film seemed inevitable to me, it’s practically on every “Top films of all time” list on Letterboxd and IMBD. It has a 100% certified fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes and practically every single movie critic deems it worthy of a 5-star rating (some might say it deserves even more credit). Since it’s considered the best court drama of all time as well as a “timeless classic”, I kept it on my watch-list for almost a year now. However, whenever I’d decide I’d watch it, some other film would come my way and distract me. Yesterday was the day I finally cracked.

I was already intrigued because of the film’s spectacular reviews, but something just snapped in me when I read the synopsis and found this:

“LIFE IS IN THEIR HANDS. DEATH IS ON THEIR MINDS.”

So I went and watched the 96 minutes film and I was shook.

Reviewing the Plot and discussing Scenarios:

The film in its entirety takes place in a single room in New York City, where 12 (white, but not all angry) men argue over the innocence or guilt of a young man. It’s the hottest day in the year and these 12 men, all with different and diverse personalities, backgrounds, occupations and prejudices, gathered to decide whether they’ll sentence this 18-year-old Spanish-American boy to death.

12 Angry Men reviewYou never know whether the boy was in fact guilty or not, whether he killed his own father or not. You do, however, watch these twelve men debate the probability that he might not have done it. Juror 8, played by Henry Fonda, is himself unsure of what really happened, but he doesn’t want to lead someone who might be innocent straight to an electric chair. He puts himself in the boy’s shoes and perhaps defends him better than his own lawyer. He sways the 11 jurors towards the possibility that the evidence may not be the absolute truth and that the facts presented aren’t necessarily so.

Related imageWe, like the rest of the jury, begin to question everything as time passes. We start to lean towards the idea that the accused might actually be innocent, and throughout this process we discover more about each character as well as ourselves. Perhaps, as an audience or as onlookers, it’s easier for us to be swayed and predict that jurors will be swayed as well and eventually vote for acquittal.

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Yet if you put yourself in their shoes, like Juror 8 did with the boy, you’ll realize how difficult the choices you have are. Looking closely, there are four possible scenarios that a situation like that could go. 
1. The boy is guilty and the jury votes guilty.

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In this case, the jurors have made the right decision and have served justice to a boy who murdered his own father in a rage, having had enough of his abuse which he had suffered through since he was 5. The motive is clear, the evidence points to him and eyewitnesses support the prosecution’s case. It’s a basically, as described in the beginning of the film, an open and shut case.

2. The boy is innocent and the jury votes guilty.

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Here the jury makes a grave mistake, one that literally sends a boy to his grave. A boy who had done nothing to deserve such a fate would to be electrocuted to death. A boy who had lived his whole life in poverty and saw nothing but dirty slums and his father’s abuse after his mother passed when he was 9, who’s barely seen the world, heck, a boy who never really lived. Keep in mind, the idea of executing a young man for a crime he might not have committed is what drives our plot, drives Juror 8 to hesitate in the first place.

3. The boy is guilty and the jury votes not guilty.

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If this scenario takes place, that means a murderer would walk free. Someone who killed his own father, how’d you feel about someone like that roaming free? As pointed out by juror 7 (portrayed by Jack Warden), the defendant had a history of crime from as early as 10 years old. He’s a thief, a knife player (yes, it’s a thing) and a murderer; he’s not exactly the ideal citizen. Although, like Juror 8, you could argue that he never even stood a chance, not really with his father looming over him and his circumstances crippling him from the beginning.

4. The boy is innocent and the jury votes not guilty.

This is probably the scenario that many of the viewers hoped for as the plot progressed. It seems like the best outcome for everything. Like I mentioned before, the notion of punishing an innocent man was what created the initial conflict in the movie. So if the boy isn’t to blame for his father’s death and he walks away free, it’s all good, right? Except who did kill the father? Who is the true murderer?

Creative Analysis:

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This film isn’t the most impressive in every aspect, it doesn’t dazzle you with bright colours. But it does keep you on edge with director Sidney Lumet’s work that makes you feel as claustrophobic as the jurors must’ve felt with the rising tension. The fantastic script and witty dialogue written by Reginald Rose is the heart and soul of the film; I’ve never seen a film that, depending solely on plot line, personality conflict and conversation, manages to reach this level of perfection. The cast, lead by Fonda, is more than stellar and each actor succeeds in embodying the traits that ultimately define their character. For me, Lee J. Cobb aka Juror 3 was the most memorable of the 12 jurors and the most quotable too!

Plot Analysis and Why I loved it:

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You see, only two of the scenarios I mentioned earlier are faultless while the other two are disastrous. The thing is, though, none of the jurors could be entirely sure of anything. Even it they rightly free/sentence the young man, they’d never really know that what they chose was the correct choice. That’s what really got me into the movie, we never really know. Is the boy innocent or is he guilty? If he didn’t kill his father, then who did? And why would they frame a kid? Or is the boy guilty? Was he finally fed up with his dad’s abusive nature? Was it impulse? Why did he return to the crime scene if he did do it?

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This film takes what seems like solid evidence and unquestionable testimonies turns it into doubts and a matter of circumstance. Similar to the jury, we begin to fear the lingering threat of injustice. The fact that we’re not sure makes it harder for everyone to convict someone who might as well be a victim.

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That’s probably what I really loved about the plot, never knowing the answer, because the film isn’t about solving the crime but rather whether the jury finds any reasonable doubt about the boy’s guilt. It’s also about how the juror’s prejudices, preconceptions and personal life could greatly affect their findings, their verdict and the life of another.

Have you seen 12 Angry Men? If you did, what are your thoughts on it? Do you think the boy really killed his father? Please share with us in the comments!